A/N: My brother is going to graduate from college in the next year, so I've had the idea of writing a book for him. Constructive critisim would be appreciated. I need to know if you can understand what's going on, or if the ideas are jumbled. Thanks!
I have lived next to the same boy for my entire fifteen years of life. Scratch that. He went to college when I was thirteen, but you get the idea. I know this boy. I know his smile, his eyes, his nose, and his unique large head. His ever-darkening blonde hair is a common sight. I’ve watched him eat, sleep, walk, run, laugh, joke, cry, and yell. I understand his character, his peeves, and his way of doing things.
I was there when he was dropped off at work until he got his license. I was there when he was dragged to get his license. I took part in his buying a car, dropping off his girlfriend at her house, his numerous parties with his ridiculously crazy friends. I was there when he graduated from high school and when he left for college. (Cried a few tears, I must admit.) I grew accustomed to him picking at his guitars and I’ve grown accustomed to not hearing them.
I’ve hugged this boy, been carried by this boy, been congratulated, yelled at, and also been given presents by this boy. He’s suffered through every holiday and birthday with my slapdash “creations” while he gave me wonderful presents with his own hard-earned cash. He’s dealt with me in my every mood, suffered through all my ideas, and listened to my whining and complaining a hundred-fold. He’s been my chauffer on many occasions, and he’s been my cheering section occasionally.
This boy is my brother.
Someone would think that after all of this and the many things left unmentioned that I would actually know him.
That someone is completely wrong.
I can only begin to understand the things that make up him. But presently, I know not of trite bits of information or complex ideas on any subject.
One would wonder why I don’t understand these things. I’m beginning to wonder to. Perhaps it’s the age gap (five years mind you), or our busy lives.
It could just be I’ve been blind to one of the most important people in my life without realizing it.
He has protected and sheltered me, tried to create me into a free-thinker. He’s done his best to help. He has (subconsciously) taught me that no one wants to deal with a whiner. All these lessons, and rarely have I thanked him on my own behalf or have actually meant it.
This is my reason for writing this book. He needs to understand what I’m thinking, what I’m trying to say, what I’ve been wanting for a while now.
He needs to understand my point of view.
And gosh darn, he’s going to get it.
~ Please leave a comment! Thanks for reading!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I love the idea for this. It sweet and creative. The introduction was well-written. I loved how you said that he was your brother later on. Although, I feel that at the point when you mention his pet peeves, you could list a few of them and why, maybe? Also add some more descriptions of what he looks like. Maybe clothing or hair style, just to add some imagery.
In general I like the idea and the writing style for it. Keep it up!
~Ballerina
That was pretty cool, especially since your doing it for your brother. Great work!
The introduction was great! It was very sweet. I loved it!
I think this is really sweet, so Im not going to nitpick
just good job and keep it up 
Phoenix here. By the way this is a really cool idea. I wanted to do something like this for my mom.
Anyway the first half's repetition lends itself more to being a narrative poem. I like it very much but Prose seldom has such repetition. I see that you have this as a introduction, like a prologue. I suggest a little tweaking to make it a complete poem and then the rest of the book will obviously be a book.
If you don't go with this option I suggest adding more description for instance.
Add examples to these. What is his character? What are is pet pet peeves( by the way list it like that pet peeves not peeves) How does he do things. I'm not talking about full stories here, since this is only the first page but a small sampling would be nice and would act as hook for outside readers and a catalyst to your brothers memories.
Well I hoped I helped.